PIFs - The Tattered Past of Public Information Films

PIFs, or Public Information Films, seems to be a thing of the past. Nowadays, people get their share for fearmongery through fantastically animated cgi-documentaries but before these were of any real quality image-wise, governments had to rely on patronising, blatant truisms which any sensible person today would take for granted. It is, however, exactly these properties which makes the PIFs either amusing or quite creepy to us today. As a challenge, one of the PIFs below is a fake. Can you spot it?

Following the war, new threats loomed...

and new solutions.

Later, with death tolls rising to seven-digit numbers per annum, kite safety had to be addressed.

You would think this had become common knowledge by the 80s, but

They never listen to the sensible kid. That's why they introduced the twice shy cat:

And they say cats are clever. However, this 1973 film depicting dark and lonely water as an active agent is just ridiculously creepy.

His brother, it seems, was less malicious though just as creepy and righteous.

Life was indeed harder in the 70s. Even a rug could kill you.

Or a chair...

Even man's best friend could be a killer.

Felt worse for the dog, really. In any case, in the 90s, some PIFs focused more on being grisly than which message came across. In this PIF it's clearly better to hit a child at 30 mph than at 40mph.

Luckily, though, there were Hale and Pace.

Which brings us around to our fake. The fairly easy to spot spoof here was of course the chair and fries skit from the Armstrong and Miller show. (More from them here.)

Sources: As given

"Calcium Made Interesting" by Graham Chapman

This is an essay written by the late Dr. Graham Chapman of Monty Python. It is superb for teaching both chemistry and English.

"

Calcium Made Interesting

Calcium, an alkaline belonging to the group 2A of the periodic table, has large breasts. Its metallic form is readily oxidized and releases hydrogen from water. It occurs naturally as the carbonate CaCO3 in limestone, chalk, marble, and in brothels. This element makes up 3.4 percent of the earth’s crust and has wild parties 3.4 times a week round at its place. When Calcium Carbonate gets a bit heated it gives off CO2, and when it drinks claret it gets so sloshed it forms Calcium Hydroxide a.k.a. Ca(OH)2. The reaction of CaO and H2O to form Ca(OH)2 (a process which is called slaking, by the way) is very naughty indeed and can only be compared to sexual intercourse! At the climax of the reaction a white precipitate called Calcium Hydroxide appears and stains the sheets.

Calcium also occurs as the phosphate in Apatite and forms a large part of many silicate minerals which, if you’re really stoned, is a great scene to get zonked on, man. How about CaSO4 and 2H2O as a mantra? Or more simply just repeat “Gypsum” to yourself. But take care because on a bad trip, if things get a bit hot, it turns to Plaster of Paris (Where there are many prostitutes and a great gay scene—see ‘Ferrous Sulphate’). If Apatite, when finely ground and taken from between the thighs of a young school girl with blue knickers and white socks, is treated with Sulphuric Acid it produces super-phosphates which are used as fertilizers, if that’s anybody’s bag.

To sum up, Calcium is an aphrodisiac. In fact, just reading about it gives you both an orgasm and a high that you’ll really phone home about! Try this excerpt on for size:

Meeting the hard calcareous rock he thought how Calcium is involved in almost every biological function. As his hand came ever closer, up until it reached that place… Oh, the relief… Oh! The ecstasy… He reflected upon how this amazing mineral provides the electrical energy for the heart to beat and for all his muscle movement. Slowly, as his hand fell to his zip and he eased his fingers, slowly inserting them into his flies and, groping, he pondered upon how Calcium is responsible for feeding every cell. To his surprise he was not embarrassed as he…and then he…

Wow! But if you want a real buzz, then get into other Calcium compounds like Calcium Carbide (CaC2) which is produced when it is heated with ‘coke.’ It’s something else, man, way out! It will not only stimulate your erogenous zones but increase your vital statistics. (If you’re interested it can be delivered to your home in a plain brown wrapper. Details in the next chapter.)

"

Sources: Chapman, Graham; Calcium Made Interesting, Pic1,  Pic2

A Literary Love Song

Here is Justin Edvards from The Consultants' literary love song with my best transcription of the lyrics underneath. If you should happen to know the author in the third verse, please tell me e.g. in a comment.

Too Jane Austentatious

One wet Wednesday afternoon

I saw my lending library lovely.
Raven haired she stamped my Raymond Chandler,
my heart dissolved

So I stayed ‘till closing time,
I reckoned that to make her mine
I’d have to woo her bookishly;
I Danielle Steeled my resolve.

Oh, library lady, would you care to join me for a cup of T.
S. Eliot or perhaps a glass of Barbara Pyms and lemonade?
Harper Lee she gazed at me then locked the door
I took her Wilkie Collins in my hand and we began to promenade.

This was certainly a Mills & Boon,
had I been too Thomas Fool-Hardy?
But she shared my feeling
I was pretty damn Bernard Shaw.

So I told her how I felt,
she dimmed the lights I dropped my Orwells,
she grasped my dictionaries,
we fell J.K. Rowling to the floor

But the library hall is no place to seduce
it’s too Jane Austentatious.
It would be Rudyard Kipling there
we might get seen, Tom Clancy that

So we crept into the reference
section out of view
and there I lay down with my library lady
on the coconut mat

Oh, she said, this itchy floor
is bound to give me a thesaurus.
I built a bed of Mary Wesleys
upon which we could uncoil

With the photo copier light on,
for a pillow, Michael Crichton,
tenderly she placed her hands
upon my Conan Doyle.

She was Oscar Wilde in bed,
like a leaping Salman Rushdie head-
long into passion, personally I was
a bit too Jonathan Swift.

I could have done with a hardback edition
rather than my floppy old paperback Grisham,
but I gave her the full Brontë
And she didn’t seem too miffed.

But our affair had never lasted.
Something went Kingsley Amis.
She found another lover
with a larger print than mine

I was Graham Greene with envy
I was Somerset Maugham and I felt empty,
but my Philip Roth soon passed,
one day I ceased this futile cry.

Now I stand here feeling sorry,
grasping my Daphne du Mauri-
er a Dewey Decimal teardrop
on my cheek once more.

Occasionally I reminisce
and an Evelyn Waugh escapes my lips
remembering by Dickens
our lending library floor.

Nick Clegg Looking Sad

Poor Nick Clegg. Stuck in an abusive relationship with a man with a shiny head. It doesn't help that he looks sad by default. A bit like Elijah Wood in most of his films, really.

Sad by default

This blog taps into that brilliantly with pictures and captions that can't fail to appeal with their pathos. Here are some of my favourites.

"

Nick Clegg clicked on 5 iPads to win a free iPad, but there was no free iPad, and now when he tries to open his work stuff loads of arses come on the screen instead.

Nick Clegg made a lasagne but it was far too big, and now he has to eat it all week because he hates throwing away food, and he doesn’t even like lasagne that much.

Nick Clegg sent a girl flowers, but she thought they were from another guy who she liked already, and then the other guy said it was him and took the credit.

Nick Clegg got told by Miriam to tidy the garden when he was already going to do it as a surprise, so now it’ll just look like he did it because she said to

Nick Clegg wanted to listen to Radio 4, but Miriam put on Chris Evans and said if he didn’t like it he could bloody well walk.

Nick Clegg heard a song that reminds him of when his cat was ill.

"

Remind you a bit of the Chuck Norris facts, don't they? I, for one, have added a new RSS feed to my blog...

Sources: 1, 2 and as given. Thanks to K

Great "Death Bys"

From time to time you come across different "Death Bys". Some are shouted theatrically. Those are the best. Others appear on a button or in a song but they are still amusing. These are my three favourite "Death Bys".

3. Toy Story 3 - Death by Monkeys

In Toy Story 3, the evil Dr. Porkchop presses a button labelled "Death By Monkeys", which releases a barrel of monkeys from his ship. These monkeys then proceed to stretch our heroes in amazing concert. Thus:

2. In Johnny Cash' The Man Who Couldn't Cry - Death by Stretchmarks 

Intriguing idea in a great and very humourous song.

Those who did not quite make the top three:

Death by Chocolate (click to view)

Death by Spoon (click to view)

1. Futurama, Episode 3x5: Amazon Women in the Mood - Death by Snu-Snu

What is snu-snu and why would the shouted horrible, fabulous sentence of "DEATH by SNU-SNU!" bring joyous exclamations to the lips of any victim? Watch and concur!

Sources: Pic1, Pic2, Pic3

Best of Woody Allen

Seeing as I have already presented Wanda Sykes, I might as well show some of my favourite Woody Allen snippets. First off is the "Down South" routine:

The "Moose", from English 1965 television:

Very much in the same madcap fashion:"The Great Renaldo":

The love story is nice but the bit towards the end is really amusing too:

And finally, how to deal with nazis. Not quite sure which preceeded which, but there is a pretty obvious relationship to "Not the Nine O'clock News" there:

The Happy/Sad Cookie

This little snippet from Sesame Street is one which brings back fond memories. When I was younger I used to watch Ernie and Bert and find them really amusing. A few weeks back I came across the film below. Since then, I have used it to cheer people up and I have even used it to bring a disorganised mass of students back into constructive dialogue. Enjoy!

Wanda Sykes Puts It Clearly

This is an ingenious way of explaining things from Wanda Sykes, who is both. Enjoy!

Why Most English Teachers Retire Young

The following are a number of analogies, metaphors and similes found in high school student's exam papers. Although I suspect them to be somewhat tweaked, I am delighted to see the existence of a bit of wit in the great unwashed.

For those unfamiliar with the terminology, an analogy is a comparison based on a similarity between otherwise dissimilar things or concepts while a metaphor is a comparison made without the use of a grammatical conjunction like as, like or as if. A simile is a comparison made with the use of such words.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
23. The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. 

Sources: 1, 2 Thanks to MHH

The Cockney Bible, Innit?

In April 2001 Mike Coles, a teacher in a secondary school in Stepney, London published his Cockney Bible (or bits of it anyway). Coles had found that translating texts into Cockney rhyming slang made them more appealing and accessible for students. He translated nine stories from the Bible and had them published as the Cockney Bible, which was later endorsed by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Originally intended as a code language to keep information from the authorities, Cockney substitutes words for rhyming alternatives or pairs. Bear this in mind while reading and enjoying the following excerpts.

"

The Lord's Prayer

Hello, Dad, up there in good ol’ Heaven,

Your name is well great and holy, and we respect you, Guv.

We hope we can all ‘ave a butcher’s at Heaven and be there as soon as possible: and we want to make you happy, Guv, and do what you want ‘ere on earth, just like what you do in Heaven.

Guv, please give us some Uncle Fred, and enough grub and stuff to keep us going today, and we hope you’ll forgive us when we cock things up, just like we’re supposed to forgive them who annoy us and do dodgy stuff to us.

There’s a lot of dodgy people around, Guv; please don’t let us get tempted to do bad things.

Help keep us away from all the nasty, evil stuff, and keep that dodgy Satan away from us, ‘cos you’re much stronger than ‘im.

Your the Boss, God, and will be for ever, innit?

Cheers, Amen.

"

Jesus Calms the Storm

One evening, Jesus said to his chinas, “Let’s go to the other side of this ‘ere lake.”

So they left all the people, and the disciples got into the nanny and set orf. There were quite a few other nannies there too.

And then, would you Adam and Eve it, a huge wind started to blow up, and the waves got so bloomin’ big that they began to spill into the nanny. It got to the stage where the nanny was almost gonna fill up with fisherman’s.

Despite all this, Jesus was at the back of the nanny ‘aving a feather, lying there with his loaf on a pillow. The disciples woke him up and said, “Teacher, we’re about to die. Don’t you care?”

Jesus got up from his little feather and shouted at the wind, “Oi, be quiet!” and he said to the waves, “Oi, be still!” The wind suddenly died dahn, and it became really calm. Jesus then said to his chinas, “What is it with you lot? Why were you all so frightened? Do you still not have faith?”

But the disciples were in a right ol’ two and eight.

Source

"A Trivial Comedy for Serious People" - The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde

I am a great admirer of Oscar Wilde's and although The Picture of Dorian Gray captivates my imagination in much the same enthralling fashion as Stevenson's The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, there is no work of his closer to my heart than The Importance of Being Earnest, a Trivial Comedy for Serious People. With Wilde's sharp wit ever present, the light-hearted and playful tone coupled with the social intricacies of the play reminds me of a successor of his and a personal favourite of mine, P.G. Wodehouse (for my blogposts on everything Wodehouse, click here).

While the play can be found in its entirety here, this excerpt is one of my favourite scenes in which the protagonist Jack is being interviewed by Lady Bracknell for her daughter's hand in marriage.

"

LADY BRACKNELL [Sitting down.] You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing.

[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.]

JACK Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.

LADY BRACKNELL [Pencil and note-book in hand.] I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke?

JACK Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.

LADY BRACKNELL I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is. How old are you?

JACK Twenty-nine.

LADY BRACKNELL. A very good age to be married at. I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know?

JACK [After some hesitation.] I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.

Oscar Wilde

LADY BRACKNELL I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square. What is your income?

JACK Between seven and eight thousand a year.

LADY BRACKNELL [Makes a note in her book.] In land, or in investments?

JACK. In investments, chiefly.

LADY BRACKNELL That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of one during one's lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one's death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up. That's all that can be said about land.

JACK I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don't depend on that for my real income. In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it.

LADY BRACKNELL A country house! How many bedrooms? Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country.

JACK Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months' notice.

LADY BRACKNELL Lady Bloxham? I don't know her.

JACK Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady considerably advanced in years.

LADY BRACKNELL Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character. What number in Belgrave Square?

JACK 149.

LADY BRACKNELL [Shaking her head.] The unfashionable side. I thought there was something. However, that could easily be altered.

Colin Firth and Rupert Everett as Jack and Algy in the
2002 film

JACK. Do you mean the fashion, or the side?

LADY BRACKNELL [Sternly.] Both, if necessary, I presume. What are your politics?

JACK. Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a Liberal Unionist.

LADY BRACKNELL Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come in the evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. Are your parents living?

JACK I have lost both my parents.

LADY BRACKNELL To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did herise from the ranks of the aristocracy?

JACK I am afraid I really don't know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me … I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was … well, I was found.

LADY BRACKNELL Found!

JACK The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort.

LADY BRACKNELL Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you?

JACK [Gravely.] In a hand-bag.

LADY BRACKNELL A hand-bag?

JACK [Very seriously.] Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a hand-bag – a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it – an ordinary hand-bag in fact.

LADY BRACKNELL In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag?

JACK In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake for his own.

LADY BRACKNELL The cloak-room at Victoria Station?

JACK Yes. The Brighton line.

LADY BRACKNELL The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution. And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to? As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was found, a cloak-room at a railway station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion – has probably, indeed, been used for that purpose before now – but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society.

JACK May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? I need hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen's happiness.

LADY BRACKNELL I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over.

JACK Well, I don't see how I could possibly manage to do that. I can produce the hand-bag at any moment. It is in my dressing-room at home. I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell.

LADY BRACKNELL Me, sir! What has it to do with me? You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter – a girl brought up with the utmost care – to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. Worthing!

Sources: 1, 2, 3

Four Chords from Seven Years Ago and a Difficult Word

Following the blog posts on the life of a riff, this seems like a natural sequel. The badly named Axis of Awesome, Australia's most tolerated musical comedy trio, has pointed out what most musicians have noticed but not entirely thought through. A lot of pop music consist, at least in central segments, of a sequence of just four chords; D, A, Hm and G or a transposed version of these.

Although the trio might not be awesome in the original sense (as explained by Eddie Izzard - see above), they deserve credit for clearly and efficiently stating the point and compiling such a long list of songs, not to mention how they spread hope to lonely, unattractive but clever bachelors with a worn out instrument.

Here is their four chord song:

They could have done worse, wouldn't you say?

Source: 1

Literary Characters - 17th to 18th Century Female Characters

In the restoration comedies, female characters were witty, beautiful and often the male characters' equals. As the centruries progressed, however, certain processes turned these independent characters into innocent victims and chaste wives which, in Alexander Pope's words "have no characters at all" (77). This post will trace this trajectory.

The Restoration saw the first female actresses entering the stage. Previously, female characters had been played by boys who often did not possess the same skills as their older counterparts (which might account for the comparatively few lines given female characters). With an actress-mad king (whose most famous mistress was the actress Nell Gwynn) and the rise of the restoration comedy, female characters on stage would equal male ones in wit and design to the extent of wearing breeches. (So called "breeches parts" would not only show off actresses' legs, but also comment on the boys playing female roles earlier on.). This equality, finding precedents in Shakespeare's Much Ado about Nothing, could be seen in plays like John Dryden's Secret Love and Marriage á la Mode and William Wycherley's The Country Wife.

Nell Gwynn

With female characters claiming more influence in new dramatic genres it was inevitable that they should enter the formerly male dominated tragedy. Nicholas Rowe's "she-tragedies", like The Fair Penitent and The Tragedy of Jane Shore turned the tide for the female character. In these tragedies, the female character would regret and ripe the results of her Restoration exuberance and women would increasingly be portrayed as victims, as witnessed in Samuel Richardson's Clarissa which relies heavily on Rowe. With the decline of the rake came the decline of its female counterpart. Both Lovelace and Clarissa dies, preparing the ground for the female character who has learned.

Charlotte Lennox' The Female Quixote is the arena in which the several female roles are sorted. The independent heroin of her own romance, Arabella, is at odds with or even above society throughout the novel. At the end, however, after encountering a fallen woman (the Country Maid Miss Groves), the Town Lady Miss Glanville, a cross-dressing Tommy prositute, the Learned Lady (the Countess) and being lectured by a clergyman, she becomes the ideal 18th century heroine. The submissive, passive and chaste wife or victim.

Source: Elaine M. McGirr, Eighteenth-Century Characters: A Guide to the Literature of the Age (Houndsmills: Palgrave Macmillan, 2007)

Literary Characters - The Rake

The witty, womanising man of the world has appeared in fiction both before and after the heyday of the rake, from Shakespeare to Fleming, but he was never so popular and clearly defined as in the shape of the rake. An elite character, the rake used his sharp tongue, his sword and his wealth to dominate the lower classes and bed the ladies.

His ascendancy came with the English Restoration. The English had suffered through some years of strict Puritan government under Cromwell and when "the merry monarch", Charles II, opened the theatres and started spawning illegitimate offspring the time was ripe of the libertinistic rake to increase his appearance. As theatres introduced women on stage the rake would figure as a role model of enterprising masculinity on stage in the many restoration comedies. The rake reflected the king in many ways; he represents a force above the puritan society, one who presents a wild, primitive force in a polite, civilised dressing. The rake would be, as McGirr puts it, a-social (above society) rather than antisocial (opposed to it).

John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester,
the model for Dorimant, the rake in George Etherege's Man of Mode

Like in many modern societies, male honour was what mattered for the rake. This should always be present and defended, and so the rake would disregard debts to the rising middle classes, fight offenders wither with wit or sword and ravish women. The three weapons of the rake would therefore be intimately tied to his masculinity, the phallus and the phallic sword and tongue.

However, the appeal of the rake lessened towards the end of the 17th century. Charles failed to produce a legitimate heir and the capital was struck by plague and fire. John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester (portrayed by Johnny Depp in The Libertine), famous for his rakish lifestyle, died of alcoholism and a number of venereal diseases. Thus the tragic aspects of the rake became more apparent and the reformation of the rake became the agenda of the day. Although Mary Davy's The Accomplish'd Rake and Hogarth's series Marriage a la Mode suggested that the rake would have to be forced into reform, die or go mad Colley Cibber's Love's Last Shift and Samuel Richardson's hugely popular Pamela illustrate the contemporary idea that the rake could be reformed by a virtuous woman and would then be the best possible husband.

Of course there were more damning depictions of the rake throughout the 18th century. In Richardson's Clarissa the rake Lovelace is killed in a duel and in Sir Charles Grandison and Pope's mock-epic Rape of the Lock the rakes are subjected to ricidule before they end up inconsequential. With the extended focus on morality and the rise of the cult of sensibility towards the end of the 18th century the rake had been reformed and rewritten from the personification of the aggressive, conquering masculinity to that of a failed one on the margins of society.

Source: Elaine M. McGirr, Eighteenth-Century Characters: A Guide to the Literature of the Age (Houndsmills: Palgrave Macmillan, 2007)

Socialler and Socialler

I guess we are all just a barrell of lonely monkeys. I have been challenged by Lady B to write seven things about myself in a post "shorter than the Paleozoic era" (the Lady is a fond student of all things between a rock an a hard place). Assuming the Paleozoic era, like the parsec, is a unit of length rather than time as might be conjectured, I for one will not stand in the way of such contests of dispensing the excretory fluid. Setting the tattered manifest charter of impersonality aside for a second time (those scarred will remember the horrid lapse of standards of February this year) I will boldly endeavour to oblige the gaggle of coquettes in their thirst for brass tax.

1.

I could be compared to a summer's day

Though I am more lovely and more temperate:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May

And summer's lease hath all too short a date:

Some too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And oft is his gold complection dimm'd;

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;

But my eternal summer shall not fade

Nor lose possession of that fair I oweth;

Nor shall Death brag I wander'th in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time I groweth:

So long as men can breathe and eyes can see,

So  long lives this and this gives life to me

2. Most Terry Gilliam films presents a fairly accurate description of my mindscape.

Terry G

3. I invented the Spanish question mark and the royalties afforded me anually are partly to blame for the current economic turmoil in Spain.

The other one is copyright infringement

4. I am fascinated by the apparent humanity behind much of the lofty cultural expressions of history. Consider this: although civilisation has gradually become more advanced through the ages our perception of the value of cultural remnants of history has described an oppositely declining trajectory, as has our understanding of the basic functions of humanity behind those remnants. Therefore, discovering the lewdness of Hamlet, the greatest emo of all times, the fact that the English Enlightenment poet Stephen Duck died by ducking in 1756 or that Virgil got his name for not sleeping with ladies (because he was secretly otherwise inclined) delights me to no end.
 

 
5. My latest purchase is La Pucelle d'Orléans by Voltaire. A dirty sexist satire over the life of Joan of Arc, the book was found too licentious by the 18th century French! Since it was outlawed, banned and burned throughout France Voltaire brought it to London whose printers published in great excess and delight. I have found one of these copies from 1774 in a Viennese antiquarian bookstore and it is in the mail as this post is being written. Now all that remains is to learn French and I should be able to look forward to many a hearty, bawdy guffaw.


Juicy Joan,
too frivolous for the French

6. My hobbies are golf, masturbation and strangling animals. Simultaneously.



7. I get the creeps by the following: open drawers, clingfilm, thick ropes, dentists' drills, pictures of VD and jutting my jaw forwards so my lower front teeth get on the outside of my upper front teeth. On the other hand, I have been cut, shot (by myself), bitten by lots of different animals, had surgery in my stomach without anasthetic, cut the inside of my eyelid on rusty barbed wire, climbed a switched on electric fence and bled quite substantial amounts of blood on a wall. However, I am genetically conditioned to cry when animals in distress are rescued or when those two Italians sing and play for Lady and the Tramp in the original movie.

You've read it!

You can't un-read it!

Stay tuned for more verisimilitude!

Look it up.

Sources: pic1, pic3, pic5 

Three Series to Watch Online

Here are three psychology-related series which neatly compliment each other. The humour in Frasier compensates for the lack of such in In Treatment and Lie to Me*. The extended dialogue in In Treatment stimulates in a way that of the two others cannot due to their generical requirements of plot progress. Finally, Lie to Me* provides the engaging conflict of the crime series and a driven plot which to different extent is absent in the others.

Watch the series on these sites, bearing in mind that these have been chosen not from commercial interest, as might be suspected, but for output per calorie burnt. Enjoy!

Source: link

All the seasons and all the episodes can be found here. Select one of each, wait for the "close to play" button in the player window to appear, click it and enjoy. Please note that you might find the player more manageable in full screen mode (second button from the right under the player window).

Source: link

As In Treatment is an ongoing series, updated, free and accessible sites are hard to come by. However, this site does the job quite well. You need to choose season (under the second category) and then an episode. If there are several to choose from, choose one with a fast loading time. Click the play button in the bottom left corner of the player and enjoy!

Source: link

With suitably dead eyes Cal Lightman, portrayed by Tim Roth, solves crime with a method dangerously, though enticingly, close to physiognomy. To watch the ongoing series, click here and follow the same procedure as described under the last heading.

David Thorne's Missing Missy

Have you ever had one of those days when something too good to let go falls in your lap at work? Have you ever spent an entire day trying to outdo yourself? David Thorne of the 27b/6 blog has.

The following is an excerpt from the opening of his article Missing Missy. The rest of it can and should be found through this link.

"

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi

I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks Shan.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

"

Source: http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html, last visited 27.11.10

Dirty Talk 18th Century Style

Ever wondered what the charm of those 18th century balls was? Alexander Armstrong and Ben Miller give the answer in the first season of their Armstrong and Miller Show; the quadrille. In a series of skits they perform a number of exchanges while dancing and the discourse reflects the joyous situation. I am proud to present all the lecherous meetings of mind (and body) from the first series of Filthy Quadrilles.

The Quadrille

Wench: You're not moving quite so freely as is your wont, Mr. Gosling. You're usually such a wonderful dancer.
Rake: Unfortunately, Miss Cardew, I am negotiating an obstruction in my breeches with the same tough, knotty and veined aspect as a Portuguese sailor's arm.

Rake: You dance impeccably, Miss Harwood. You've truly awoken the devil in my imaginings.
Wench: And you, Captain Jennings, have stirred something in the region girded by my most intimate undergarments.
Rake: Indeed, madam? And I believe that it will interest you to know that under the restrictions of my pantaloons there is a protrusion so monstrously tumescent that were you to avail yourself of it, I can guarantee your horse would see no action for a week.


Rake: With your hair so prettily coiffed, Miss Harwood, you resemble nothing so much as the most charming French poodle.

Wench: I'm flattered, Mr. Gosling.

Rake: Which leads me to enquire whether at a later stage this evening, I might be permitted to attend to you on all fours with all the bestial vigours of one of my father's prize mastiffs.

Wench: Woof, woof!

Rake: Precisely.

Cover of Season 1
(from BBC's web shop)


Rake: Not too fatigued by this evening's exertions, Miss Cardew?

Wench: Why, no, Captain Jennings. I could go on for hours.

Rake: Then might I suggest that you join me later for some modest theatricals?

Wench: Gladly! And which roles would we be playing?

Rake: I would play the part of a wealthy industrialist, whilst you, Miss Cardew, would play a Whitechapel strumpet of such eye-wateringly low virtue that you would leave me as dry as a ship's biscuit.

Alexander Armstrong

Rake: Ah, Miss Cardew! You and your friend Miss Harwood look ravishing tonight.

Wench: Then perhaps you would like to accompany us back to Duxford Hall, where she and I would be most happy to disport ourselves gaily before you on the floor of the parlour.

Rake: And would I be confined to observing these antics, or might I be permitted to participate at some opportune juncture?

Wench: Participate? Oh, Mr. Gosling, I can promise you that you will see more action than the Duke of Wellington's musket.



Rake: Miss Harwood, you look ravishing, though I cannot help to conject that your exquisite gown would look even more becoming strewn on the floor of my bedchamber.

Wench: And a man as exquisitely fashioned as you, Captain Jennings, would look even more becoming on, beneath, behind and, for my own benefit, several inches within me.

Ben Miller
(img.poptower.com)

Wench: Captain Jenning, I am looking forwards to succumbing to your roving hands this evening.
Rake: And it is with the utmost anticipation that I am looking forward to flinging you upon my divan and plundering your most intimate undergarments.
Wench: I'm sorry to disappoint you, Captain Jennings, but in a quite unforgivable display of amnesia, I appear to have left them in my bedchamber.

Rake: Ah, Miss Cardew. I was hoping to have the pleasure of interviewing you this evening.
Wench: Oh, Mr. Gosling, I'm afraid I've rather rashly agreed to receieve Captain Jennings this evening.
Rake: Captain Jennings? But why?
Wench: Because, Mr. Gosling, according to Lady Derbyshire, he is endowed with a sword as elegantly formed as it is epically proportioned and which will leave me walking like an orphan with rickets.

The best part is that according to research, this is probably the way things went down.

The series can be bought at any sensibly industrious vendor.