"Calcium Made Interesting" by Graham Chapman

This is an essay written by the late Dr. Graham Chapman of Monty Python. It is superb for teaching both chemistry and English.

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Calcium Made Interesting

Calcium, an alkaline belonging to the group 2A of the periodic table, has large breasts. Its metallic form is readily oxidized and releases hydrogen from water. It occurs naturally as the carbonate CaCO3 in limestone, chalk, marble, and in brothels. This element makes up 3.4 percent of the earth’s crust and has wild parties 3.4 times a week round at its place. When Calcium Carbonate gets a bit heated it gives off CO2, and when it drinks claret it gets so sloshed it forms Calcium Hydroxide a.k.a. Ca(OH)2. The reaction of CaO and H2O to form Ca(OH)2 (a process which is called slaking, by the way) is very naughty indeed and can only be compared to sexual intercourse! At the climax of the reaction a white precipitate called Calcium Hydroxide appears and stains the sheets.

Calcium also occurs as the phosphate in Apatite and forms a large part of many silicate minerals which, if you’re really stoned, is a great scene to get zonked on, man. How about CaSO4 and 2H2O as a mantra? Or more simply just repeat “Gypsum” to yourself. But take care because on a bad trip, if things get a bit hot, it turns to Plaster of Paris (Where there are many prostitutes and a great gay scene—see ‘Ferrous Sulphate’). If Apatite, when finely ground and taken from between the thighs of a young school girl with blue knickers and white socks, is treated with Sulphuric Acid it produces super-phosphates which are used as fertilizers, if that’s anybody’s bag.

To sum up, Calcium is an aphrodisiac. In fact, just reading about it gives you both an orgasm and a high that you’ll really phone home about! Try this excerpt on for size:

Meeting the hard calcareous rock he thought how Calcium is involved in almost every biological function. As his hand came ever closer, up until it reached that place… Oh, the relief… Oh! The ecstasy… He reflected upon how this amazing mineral provides the electrical energy for the heart to beat and for all his muscle movement. Slowly, as his hand fell to his zip and he eased his fingers, slowly inserting them into his flies and, groping, he pondered upon how Calcium is responsible for feeding every cell. To his surprise he was not embarrassed as he…and then he…

Wow! But if you want a real buzz, then get into other Calcium compounds like Calcium Carbide (CaC2) which is produced when it is heated with ‘coke.’ It’s something else, man, way out! It will not only stimulate your erogenous zones but increase your vital statistics. (If you’re interested it can be delivered to your home in a plain brown wrapper. Details in the next chapter.)

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Sources: Chapman, Graham; Calcium Made Interesting, Pic1,  Pic2