Wednesday, 27 October 2010

David Thorne's Missing Missy

Have you ever had one of those days when something too good to let go falls in your lap at work? Have you ever spent an entire day trying to outdo yourself? David Thorne of the 27b/6 blog has.

The following is an excerpt from the opening of his article Missing Missy. The rest of it can and should be found through this link.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster


I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Source:, last visited 27.11.10

Sunday, 24 October 2010

I Can Make Those People Dance - Songs for the Exhausted, Bar 3

This is the final top 5 of the songs for the exhausted, songs which would reintroduce the spring in the step of the downbeaten and exasperated. The characteristics of such songs are jauntiness, an upbeat rhythm and often overly expressive vocals and the discerning reader has recognised these in the ten songs in Bar 1 and Bar 2. This leaves the final five, the prime of powertracks, the peak of power, the pinnacle of pep, the flower of forcefulness, the zenith of zest, the superiority of spirit, the excellence if élan, for your enjoyment and gratification, starting with La Grange.

5 - ZZ Top - La Grange

The attentive subscriber will have registered the extent to which the Texans have frequented this trilogy. The carefree and unpretentious appeal and the sheer bluff, grittyness of the La Grange riff should justify their position in a catalogue of revitalising canzonets like this.

4 - Tomoyasu Hotei - Battle Without Honor or Humanity

Battle Without Honor or Humanity is a version of Tomoyasu Hotei's Shin jingi-naki tatakai. Originally used in a 2000 film in which Hotei had a role, the instrumental was used in a number of films and games, most notably Kill Bill and Gran Turismo. Both these are admittedly energetic and so are their soundtracks. This full and immersing soundscape is just the ticket for a tired soul.

3 - The Who - The Seeker

From the first chord, the song's sharpish rock'n'roll guitar grabs your fancy and makes you feel like a rock star on stage. That is no bad alternative to feeling under the weather. Please note the legendary Keith Moon on drums.

2 - Lenny Kravitz - American Woman

This 1999 powerload with its bass and drum driving force is designed to give anyone a jolt. The combination of several instruments into a single unity of sound like the guitar and voice following 0:44 gives the song a full, solid and self-confident quality, earning it the second highest ranking on this list.

1 - Bon Jovi - It's My Life

Heading the list, the track at the top of pep, is Bon Jovi's It's My Life. Not unlike American Woman, the song gives you confidence and makes you feel steady and ready. The combination of drums and vocals at the two introductory beats and before each chorus really shakes you awake and makes you want to move to the music.

So that is it from the energy tracks. If 15 songs of pure energy did not present pick-me-ups aplenty you should check for vital signs, because then you are probably dead.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Dirty Talk 18th Century Style

Ever wondered what the charm of those 18th century balls was? Alexander Armstrong and Ben Miller give the answer in the first season of their Armstrong and Miller Show; the quadrille. In a series of skits they perform a number of exchanges while dancing and the discourse reflects the joyous situation. I am proud to present all the lecherous meetings of mind (and body) from the first series of Filthy Quadrilles.

The Quadrille

Wench: You're not moving quite so freely as is your wont, Mr. Gosling. You're usually such a wonderful dancer.
Rake: Unfortunately, Miss Cardew, I am negotiating an obstruction in my breeches with the same tough, knotty and veined aspect as a Portuguese sailor's arm.

Rake: You dance impeccably, Miss Harwood. You've truly awoken the devil in my imaginings.
Wench: And you, Captain Jennings, have stirred something in the region girded by my most intimate undergarments.
Rake: Indeed, madam? And I believe that it will interest you to know that under the restrictions of my pantaloons there is a protrusion so monstrously tumescent that were you to avail yourself of it, I can guarantee your horse would see no action for a week.

Rake: With your hair so prettily coiffed, Miss Harwood, you resemble nothing so much as the most charming French poodle.
Wench: I'm flattered, Mr. Gosling.
Rake: Which leads me to enquire whether at a later stage this evening, I might be permitted to attend to you on all fours with all the bestial vigours of one of my father's prize mastiffs.
Wench: Woof, woof!
Rake: Precisely.

Cover of Season 1
(from BBC's web shop)

Rake: Not too fatigued by this evening's exertions, Miss Cardew?
Wench: Why, no, Captain Jennings. I could go on for hours.
Rake: Then might I suggest that you join me later for some modest theatricals?
Wench: Gladly! And which roles would we be playing?
Rake: I would play the part of a wealthy industrialist, whilst you, Miss Cardew, would play a Whitechapel strumpet of such eye-wateringly low virtue that you would leave me as dry as a ship's biscuit.

Alexander Armstrong

Rake: Ah, Miss Cardew! You and your friend Miss Harwood look ravishing tonight.
Wench: Then perhaps you would like to accompany us back to Duxford Hall, where she and I would be most happy to disport ourselves gaily before you on the floor of the parlour.
Rake: And would I be confined to observing these antics, or might I be permitted to participate at some opportune juncture?
Wench: Participate? Oh, Mr. Gosling, I can promise you that you will see more action than the Duke of Wellington's musket.

Rake: Miss Harwood, you look ravishing, though I cannot help to conject that your exquisite gown would look even more becoming strewn on the floor of my bedchamber.
Wench: And a man as exquisitely fashioned as you, Captain Jennings, would look even more becoming on, beneath, behind and, for my own benefit, several inches within me.

Ben Miller

Wench: Captain Jenning, I am looking forwards to succumbing to your roving hands this evening.
Rake: And it is with the utmost anticipation that I am looking forward to flinging you upon my divan and plundering your most intimate undergarments.
Wench: I'm sorry to disappoint you, Captain Jennings, but in a quite unforgivable display of amnesia, I appear to have left them in my bedchamber.

Rake: Ah, Miss Cardew. I was hoping to have the pleasure of interviewing you this evening.
Wench: Oh, Mr. Gosling, I'm afraid I've rather rashly agreed to receieve Captain Jennings this evening.
Rake: Captain Jennings? But why?
Wench: Because, Mr. Gosling, according to Lady Derbyshire, he is endowed with a sword as elegantly formed as it is epically proportioned and which will leave me walking like an orphan with rickets.

The best part is that according to research, this is probably the way things went down.

The series can be bought at any sensibly industrious vendor.