In 1993, the British magazine Literary Review started handing out an award out of the ordinary. Nowadays, with the horrors of Fifty Shades of Greystalking the literary landscape, it seems particularly relevant. Yes, it is the
Bad Sex in Fiction Award
Awarded to the author who produces the worst description of a sex scene in a novel, the award aims to to "draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it". Here is a short film showing the nomination process:
Seems tailor made for Fifty Shades of Grey, does it not? The only problem is that pornographic or erotic fiction is excluded, and rightly so, since part of the impact of the sex scenes are their situation in mainstream literature. The internet has reeled at the exclusion of J.K. Rowling's The Casual Vacancy from the shortlist, but Jonathan Beckman, literary editor of the Literary Review explains in an interview with The Guardian that it simply was not bad enough, despite being filled with rape, casual sex and pedophilia. That says something of previous awardees.
Previous winners have bestowed phrases like "Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her" (Rowan Somerwille: The Shape of Her) and "Moan moan moan moan moan went Hoyt as he slithered slithered slithered slithered and caress caress caress caress went the fingers" (Tom Wolfe: I am Charlotte Simmons) upon the world. More bad sex in fiction can be found here.
This year's award ceremony is on Tuesday 4th of December, and so it is up to you, dear reader, to decide whether any of the nominees are worthy heirs to these devastatingly squalid contribution to the canon:
Rare Earth by Paul Mason: “She breathed hot into his neck and he plunged three rough fingers down the front of her jeans, making her squeak. She had never tried wu-wei in this situation before and Khünbish, hairy and slightly paunchy, she noticed now that he had his shirt off, was generating slightly more karmic energy than she had anticipated.”
Noughties by Ben Masters: “We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amongst the pillows and cool sheets. We trawled each other’s bodies for every inch of history. I dug after what I had always imagined and came up with even more. She stroked my outlines in perfect synchrony until I was febrile in her hands, willingly guided elsewhere.”
Infrared by Nancy Huston: “He runs his tongue and lips over my breasts, the back of my neck, my toes, my stomach, the countless treasures between my legs, oh the sheer ecstasy of lips and tongues on genitals, either simultaneously or in alternation, never will I tire of that silvery fluidity, my sex swimming in joy like a fish in water…”
The Adventuress: The Irresistible Rise of Miss Cath Fox by Nicholas Coleridge: “In seconds the duke had lowered his trousers and boxers and positioned himself across a leather steamer trunk, emblazoned with the royal arms of Hohenzollern Castle. ‘Give me no quarter,’ he commanded. ‘Lay it on with all your might.’”
Back to Blood by Tom Wolfe: “Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle’s own lips and maw — all this without a word.”
The Yips by Nicola Barker:“She smells of almonds, like a plump Bakewell pudding; and he is the spoon, the whipped cream, the helpless dollop of warm custard. She steams. He applauds, his tongue hanging out (like a bloodhound espying a raw chop in a cartoon).”
The Divine Comedy by Craig Raine:“And he came. Like a wubbering springboard. His ejaculate jumped the length of her arm. Eight diminishing gouts. The first too high for her to lick. Right on the shoulder.”
The Quiddity of Wilf Self by Sam Mills: “Down, down, on to the eschatological bed. Pages chafed me; my blood wept onto them. My cheek nestled against the scratch of paper. My cock was barely a ghost, but I did not suffer panic.”
What do you think?
Which contribution do you think will receive this year's Bad Sex in Literature Award? Are there other candidates whom you think should have been included? If so, why? Feel free to include representative excerpts and do not forget to keep an attentive eye at the Literary Review webpage next Tuesday!
Comments on The Tale of Sir Bob are always welcome!
Having previously covered singing heads of state, the time has come to have a look at the role of bathing and bath-houses in politics. At first glance, one would not expect these inconspicuous activities and rooms to be of any consequence but they might in fact be partially responsible for the end of the Cold War.
Water Wings
Nikita Khrushchev was fat and ungainly. He had had no more than four years ofschool education and was thought to have survived Stalin's purges mainly because no one found him a threat. Still, following Stalin's death in 1953 this inconspicuousness was what allowed him to maneuver to the top of Soviet Russia.
Before this, in 1949, the massively self-centered and -confident Chairman Mao had been slighted at Stalin's 70th birthday. He was treated as just another of the many guests, was granted very little time with the Soviet leader and later relocated to a remote villa outside Moscow for several weeks where there was nothing to do except playing table tennis at a broken table. (This was before table tennis was outlawed on the belief that it damaged players' eyesight.)
Naturally, Mao was seething with resentment and when Khrushchev came for a state visit in 1958 he was put up in a fairly worn down hotel with no air conditioning in the hot China summer. During the following talks, Mao chain-smoked in spite of Khrushchev's intense hatred for smoking and talked down to him, but suddenly he seemed to change his ways and invited him to his private residence at Zonghanhai.
Mao Swimming. He was said to have been aided in this venture by his profuse fat
When Khrushchev turned up the following day, he suspected trouble. Mao greeted him wearing slippers and a bathrobe and insisted he join him in the pool. Mao was an proficient swimmer, but the 200 pound Khrushchev had never learned to swim. Soon, Mao was doing laps and talking incessantly, interpreters running up and down along the pool while Khrushchev was standing awkwardly at the children's end of the pool. The humiliation was not complete yet, however. A pair of water wings were produced and with Khrushchev paddling like a dog or simply bobbing up and down, Mao ducking and diving the talks progressed amidst splutters and discomfort.
Khrushchev in happier times
Needless to say, the stunt did nothing to improve Sino-Soviet relations. By 1966, their border conflict almost escalated into open war and this allowed Kissinger to reestablish American-Chinese relations. This further pressured Soviet to withdraw their aid to the North-Vietnamese which led to disengagement, SALT and 1989. Therefore, interestingly, the Cold War was ended, at least in part, by water wings.
The Ugandian Swimming Champion
Uganda's dictator Idi Amin also considered himself quite the swimmer. He used to boast that he was the Ugandian swimming champion. However, as this video shows, there was not much competition as competitors swimming past him were bound never to swim again.
Finnish Sauna Diplomacy After the war, Finnish President Jushi Kusti Paasikivi and his successor Uhro Kekkonen navigated the Cold War skillfully through the policy of "active neutrality". By doing this, they could have dealings with both the Soviet and the West and especially Kekkonen had a secret tool for this purpose; cultural diplomacy.
Kekkonen would invite foreign digitaries to join him in his sauna and there, he would start negotiating, hammering out a deal. The sauna would take its toll, softening the visitors up for compromise. Often, Kekkonen would not let them leave until an agreement had been reached and dignitaries who have met with this treatment include Soviet Premier Khrushchev and former UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon. On one occasion, in 1960, after sweating in the sauna until five in the morning Khrushchev issued a statement supporting Finland's desire to integrate with the West.
Khrushchev never noticed the wicked gleam in Kekkonen's eye
Finnish sauna diplomacy is still being used. All Finnish diplomatic and consular missions have their own sauna for the purpose, and Finnish soldiers are known to build saunas wherever they go. There is, however, a danger to sauna diplomacy. Olli Rehn of the European Commission economic and monetary affairs was recently accused of sexism after an attempt at sauna diplomacy.
What do you think?
Do these tactics rock your belief in the solidity of your political system? Are they morally sound or do, perhaps, the ends justify the means? A well known business tactic is to give visiting businessmen awkward flights and have a liason professional keep them busy until his meeting. This makes them tired, unable to make good decisions and more likely to aggree to the business' demands. Is this justifiable, in your opinion?
Comments on the Tale of Sir Bob are welcome, as ever!
With my background from the arts and particularly literature studies, I have been fascinated with the soul. Remember, this is what Faust sold to Mephistopheles or the devil in Marlowe's The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus and Goethe's Faust. It is also what Dorian Gray pledges in order for Basil Hallward's picture of him to age and be marred instead of him in Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray. Most religions recognise some sort of human spirit and many major philosophies as well. I follow neither, but I am curious about how the soul works if it exists. Is it, for instance, possible to sell one's soul, making a deal with the devil and what about soulmates? Do they exist or is it true what Emily Dickinson wrote, that "the soul selects her own society, then shuts the door"?
The reason I am writing about this now is that I recently came up with a plan. Atheists do not believe in a soul because it cannot be scientifically proven to exist. So, I figured taking inspiration from the Freakonomics podcast, what's to stop me from buying it off one of them and selling it on in a crossroads at midnight like blues guitarists like Robert Johnson claimed to have done? Imagine, I could get Faust's knowledge and pleasures of the world, Dorian Gray's eternal life and beauty and Johnson's guitar skills and not lose my own soul (if it exists)!
The plan proved trickier than I thought. I couldn't find any Atheists willing to sell their supposedly non-existent souls. I thought it would be like getting money for nothing for them, but no, they seemed reluctant to part with it.
Cue the philosopher and the economist:
The Philosopher and the Economist:
Michael Sandel and Stephen Dubner
Michael Sandel
Sandel: Well, it strikes me…The
first thing that strikes me about it is that it’s a very old idea. It’s
not new. Think of the indulgences of the medieval period. And it was
after all the sale of indulgences, which is pretty close. Is there a
difference between selling your soul and buying salvation? If you can
buy a person’s soul, it’s pretty closely akin to buying salvation, which
was, you remember that was the practice that was carried out in the
Catholic Church at the time that Martin Luther rose up against
indulgences, against the buying and selling of salvation.
In the above mentioned podcast, economy journalist Stephen Dubner co-author of the Freakonomics blog and books, talked to Sandel, a political philosopher at Harvard University. The background was a case where someone had actually managed to buy another person's soul for $50.
Stephen Dubner
Dubner: [...] if I offered to buy your soul for fifty dollars what would you say? [...]Let’s
say that I feel that you are not exercising it properly, that you are
not taking seriously enough for my taste and my moral code the
responsibility of this spiritual entity known as a soul, and I therefore
am willing to pay dollars in order to better curate that soul because I
do believe in the sanctity of the soul, and rather than see you not
tend yours properly I’m willing to pay the price to take over that
responsibility.
The two ponders this for a while. If it is possible to buy one soul, why not buy many? I could, for instance, buy a great amount of souls and sell them on to a religious church for a profit. As Sandel pointed out, medieval Christians bought abstract products like salvation. We buy the feeling of safety when we buy insurance and a feeling of self when we buy new clothes or other items. Dubner suggests that when a church converts followers of different faiths, they should pay a fee for each follower's soul.
Sandel: A market economy is a tool; it’s a valuable tool. It’s an instrument
for achieving economic wealth, affluence, and prosperity. It’s a tool
that we use, that we put to our purposes. But as markets and market
thinking come to inform all aspects of life, as everything becomes
available for sale, we become a market society, which is a way of
thinking and being, an unreflective way of thinking and being that just
assumes that all the good things in life can in principle be up for
sale. And that, I think diminishes a great many moral and civic goods
that markets and market relations don’t honor, and that money can’t or
shouldn’t buy.
So, the morality of buying and selling on a soul would be problematic. What, then, if I knew someone really lonely and wanted to give him or her a soulmate? Imagine I had bought a guy's soul and I found someone who I thought would go really well together with him. Could I make him fall in love?
Cue the psychologist:
The Psychologist
Jeremy Nicholson
Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D, is a doctor of social and personality psychology who focuses on persuasion and dating and calls himself "The Attraction Doctor". He writes for Psychology Today:
Jeremy Nicholson
Nicholson: [...]according to a January 2011 Marist poll, 73% of Americans
believe that they are destined to find their one, true, soul mate. The
percentage is a bit higher for men (74%) than women (71%). The notion is
also higher among younger individuals, with 79% of those under 45
believing in soul mates (as opposed to 69% of those over 45).
Nicholson refers to the researcher Knee, who found that people who believe in romantic destiny or soul mates almost never finds what they are looking for. They think they do, though, and for a while all is well.
Nicholson: In all relationships, however, disagreement, conflict, and
incompatibility will arise. Ultimately, no one is perfect - or a perfect
fit for a partner. It takes work, growth, and change to keep a
relationship going and satisfying over time. When that happens, soul
mate believers often become upset, disillusioned, and uncommitted.
They then break off the relationship and goes on in search for the next, "real" soul mate. In other words, I wouldn't have much luck pairing them up, at least based on the idea of soul mates. This idea is beginning to look more and more like a fallacy. Maybe the Atheists are right and the soul doesn't exist, or perhaps souls just don't match.
Nicholson: People
who believe in romantic growth primarily look for
someone who will work and grow with them, resolving conflicts as they
arise. [...]they are motivated to solve them and stay committed to
their partner. As a result, their relationships tend to be longer and
more satisfying over time. Rather than rejecting a partner for minor
disagreements, they work together, evolve, and grow a satisfying
relationship. In the end, it is a bit of a cruel joke. A belief in soul mates may
prevent individuals from finding the very relationships they think they
are destined to have.
In any case, what is the likelyhood of finding two souls to match? Are the soul mate fans really doomed?
Cue the physicist:
The Physicist
Randall Munroe
Looking for a soul mate
Munroe: For starters, is your soul mate even still alive? A hundred billion or
so humans have ever lived, but only seven billion are alive now (which
gives the human condition a 93% mortality rate). If we’re all paired up
at random, 90% of our soul mates are long dead.
Randall Munroe is an introvert physics graduate from CNU who used to work for NASA. He figures that in addition to most of your soul mates being dead, many of them aren't born yet, not of your sexual preferance or in your target age group. Munroe calculates that that leaves you with around half a billion potential matches. Then, of course, you will have to meet.
Munroe: Let’s suppose you lock eyes with an average of a few dozen new strangers
each day. (I’m pretty introverted, so for me that’s definitely a
generous estimate.) If 10% of them are close to your age, that’s around
50,000 people in a lifetime. Given that you have 500,000,000 potential
soul mates, it means you’ll only find true love in one lifetime out of
ten thousand.
So, you will need a lot of time to find the soul mate. In addition, they will need a lot of time to find you. Therefore, if you believe in soul mates, the chance of finding yours before you die is 1: (10.000*10.000) or ONE IN 100 MILLION!
What to do with insubstantial property?
This means that if I bought a soul, assuming it exists and assunimg has a mate, I would have to try to pair it with a hundred million times more souls that I would ever meet in a lifetime. It seems that the idea of a soul mate is fundamentally flawed, unhealthy and should be buried. No use in buying a number of souls and setting up a dating agency. In the end, it turns out that Wilde and Goethe were right. It seems it's only the good and bad forces of religion and their representatives here on Earth who would find any value in a soul. If I ever get a few to spare, it seems I would be best off selling or donating them on to whichever I find most deserving.
Rembrandt's Faust having a bad idea
The danger is that if there should happen to be an afterlife and I would get there after I die, I would be saddled with whatever souls I couldn't sell off for all eternity.
Alternatively, if reincarnation is the thing....
I might get merged!
Cue dramatic suspense music.
What do you think?
Do you believe in souls and soul mates and do you think belief is a central element here? If souls do exist, should we have moral qualms in buying and selling them like Sandel suggests? Also, soul mates aside, both the psychologist and physician are fairly dismissive of short, frequent relationships. Are they right in being so?
Comments on The Tale of Sir Bob are always welcome!
PIFs, or Public Information Films, seems to be a thing of the past. Nowadays, people get their share for fearmongery through fantastically animated cgi-documentaries but before these were of any real quality image-wise, governments had to rely on patronising, blatant truisms which any sensible person today would take for granted. It is, however, exactly these properties which makes the PIFs either amusing or quite creepy to us today. As a challenge, one of the PIFs below is a fake. Can you spot it?
Following the war, new threats loomed...
and new solutions.
Later, with death tolls rising to seven-digit numbers per annum, kite safety had to be addressed.
You would think this had become common knowledge by the 80s, but
They never listen to the sensible kid. That's why they introduced the twice shy cat:
And they say cats are clever. However, this 1973 film depicting dark and lonely water as an active agent is just ridiculously creepy.
His brother, it seems, was less malicious though just as creepy and righteous.
Life was indeed harder in the 70s. Even a rug could kill you.
Or a chair...
Even man's best friend could be a killer.
Felt worse for the dog, really. In any case, in the 90s, some PIFs focused more on being grisly than which message came across. In this PIF it's clearly better to hit a child at 30 mph than at 40mph.
Luckily, though, there were Hale and Pace.
Which brings us around to our fake. The fairly easy to spot spoof here was of course the chair and fries skit from the Armstrong and Miller show. (More from them here.)
In Laurence Sterne's Tristram Shandy, Dr. Slop cuts his finger in the presence of Tristram's father and his Uncle Toby. Since "small curses [...] upon great occasions [...] are but so much waste of our strength & soul's health to no manner of purpose" (chapter II) Tristram's father produces "FIT FORMS of SWEARING suitable to ALL CASES" and the good doctor reluctantly reads a proper curse aloud:
"
'By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour.' I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr. Slop, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to my father—as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it aloud—and as Captain Shandy seems to have no great inclination to hear it—I may as well read it to myself. That's contrary to treaty, replied my father:—besides, there is something so whimsical, especially in the latter part of it, I should grieve to lose the pleasure of a second reading. Dr. Slop did not altogether like it,— but my uncle Toby offering at that instant to give over whistling, and read it himself to them;—Dr. Slop thought he might as well read it under the cover of my uncle Toby's whistling—as suffer my uncle Toby to read it alone;—so raising up the paper to his face, and holding it quite parallel to it, in order to hide his chagrin—he read it aloud as follows—my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, though not quite so loud as before.
'By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of all the saints together, with the holy and elect of God,—May he' (Obadiah) 'be damn'd' (for tying these knots)—'We excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways. And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him' (Obadiah, of the knots which he has tied) 'and make satisfaction' (for them) 'Amen.
'May the Father who created man, curse him.—May the Son who suffered for us curse him.—May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him' (Obadiah)—'May the holy cross which Christ, for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.
'May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of God, curse him.—May St. Michael, the advocate of holy souls, curse him.—May all the angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curse him.' (Our armies swore terribly in Flanders, cried my uncle Toby,—but nothing to this.—For my own part I could not have a heart to curse my dog so.)
'May St. John, the Praecursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ's apostles, together curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him' (Obadiah.)
'May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, damn him—May all the saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, damn him—May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, damn him,' (Obadiah) 'or her,' (or whoever else had a hand in tying these knots.)
'May he (Obadiah) be damn'd wherever he be—whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.—May he be cursed in living, in dying.' (Here my uncle Toby, taking the advantage of a minim in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the end of the sentence.—Dr. Slop, with his division of curses moving under him, like a running bass all the way.) 'May he be cursed in eating and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting!
'May he' (Obadiah) 'be cursed in all the faculties of his body!
'May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!—May he be cursed in the hair of his head!—May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex,' (that is a sad curse, quoth my father) 'in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!
'May he be damn'd in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach!
'May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin,' (God in heaven forbid! quoth my uncle Toby) 'in his thighs, in his genitals,' (my father shook his head) 'and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toe- nails!
'May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of the members, from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no soundness in him!
'May the son of the living God, with all the glory of his Majesty'—(Here my uncle Toby, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous, long, loud Whew— w—w—something betwixt the interjectional whistle of Hay-day! and the word itself.—
—By the golden beard of Jupiter—and of Juno (if her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by the bye was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods aerial and aquatick—to say nothing of the beards of town-gods and country- gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore them)—all which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishment;—every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn by—by all these beards together then—I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as ever Cid Hamet offered his—to have stood by, and heard my uncle Toby's accompanyment.
—'curse him!'—continued Dr. Slop,—'and may heaven, with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn him' (Obadiah) 'unless he repent and make satisfaction! Amen. So be it,—so be it. Amen.'
I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, my heart would not let me curse the devil himself with so much bitterness.—He is the father of curses, replied Dr. Slop.—So am not I, replied my uncle.—But he is cursed, and damn'd already, to all eternity, replied Dr. Slop.
I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle Toby.
Dr. Slop drew up his mouth, and was just beginning to return my uncle Toby the compliment of his Whu—u—u—or interjectional whistle—when the door hastily opening in the next chapter but one—put an end to the affair.
"
On the left, the curse as drawn by Martin Rowson in his graphic novel version. Click the image to zoom.
For those of you keen to read this in latin, the preceding chapter provides the curse in that lingo.
I have always been fond of lists and equally fascinated by the whole secret agent universe. I've seen the James Bond films (and played the games), any parody, like Austin Powers, read books and played games like "No one lives forever" and "Evil Genius".
I have even found my favourite henchman look. No, not the jumpsuit. The Mustafa look from the second Austin Powers film, though preferably with a white suit:
A bit like the guy on the right
While on the subject of henchmen, here is one my favourite henchman related clip (together with this one, and that one):
However, these films require massive suspension of disbelief, hence their suitablility for parody. This has led to a number of lists, amongst them a set of poignant "Things to do if I ever become an evil overlord" lists. Although they may concern any evil overlord, I like to think of them as especially fitting for heads of worldwide criminal organisations. This one is the best, picked from this site, which interestingly features a history of these kinds of lists.
Should be something for any secret agent aficionado.
Evil Overlord List
"
1.My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16.I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 18.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, This Cannot Be!! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26.No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27.I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33.I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34.I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35.I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37.If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39.If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40.invokedI will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41.Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43.I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
47.If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50.My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51.If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53.If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54.I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55.The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56.My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57.Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58.If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59.I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60.My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61.If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed unless I have a response that satisfies them.
62.I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63.Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64.I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65.If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66.My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67.No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68.I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69.All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71.If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72.If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them. 73.I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75.I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76.If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77.If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78.I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79.If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80.If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81.If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83.If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84.I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85.I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86.I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87.My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88.If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89.After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90.I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91.I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92.If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93.If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94.When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95.My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96.My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97.My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99.Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45MB in size.
Recently, I've been trying to arrange music for my local choir using Sibelius 6. I tried arranging General Taylor, a sea shanty, for tenor and bass but it turned out that I had laid the tenor too high and the bass too low. I expect they will have to converge somewhere, but I do not have time to do the necessary adjustments. If any of my readers would like to do so and use the arragnement with his or her local choir, you are perfectly welcome to do so.
Below is the arrangement as is. You can click the image to zoom.Please contact me through this post if you would like me to send the .sib file.
I recently finished reading Christopher Brookmyre's All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye and as the book had been my constant companion since I bought it from a Copenhagen antiquarian bookseller who had not realised it was signed. Feeling slightly bereaved like I tend to do after good reads, I despreately browsed my bookshelf for something as sardonic as Brookmyre, preferably with the same level of clinical violence as AFaG.
I randomly picked Marie Phillips' Gods Behaving Badly, a book I had picked up after finishing Neil Gaiman's American Gods hoping for more of the same but never quite getting started on. As it turns out, it is currently being adapted into film starring Christopher Walken as Zeus, according to the author. What sold it to me, however, was not as much the prospect of being ahead of the film for once but the first chapter. Here it is, courtesy of the publisher, for your enjoyment and if you like it, buy the book.
Cover
Chapter One
ONE MORNING, WHEN Artemis was out walking the dogs, she saw a tree where no tree should be.
The tree was standing alone in a sheltered part of the slope. To the untrained eye, the casual passerby, it probably just looked like a normal tree. But Artemis's eye was far from untrained, and she ran through this part of Hampstead Heath every day. This tree was a newcomer; it had not been there yesterday. And with just one glance Artemis recognized that it was an entirely new species, a type of eucalyptus that had also not existed yesterday. It was a tree that should not exist at all.
Dragging the mutts behind her, Artemis made her way over to the tree. She touched its bark and felt it breathing. She pressed her ear against the trunk of the tree and listened to its heartbeat. Then she looked around. Good; it was early, and there was nobody within earshot. She reminded herself not to get angry with the tree, that it wasn't the tree's fault. Then she spoke.
"Hello," she said.
There was a long silence.
"Hello," said Artemis again.
"Are you talking to me?" said the tree. It had a faint Australian accent.
"Yes," said Artemis. "I am Artemis." If the tree experienced any recognition, it didn't show it. "I'm the goddess of hunting and chastity," said Artemis.
Another silence. Then the tree said, "I'm Kate. I work in mergers and acquisitions for Goldman Sachs."
"Do you know what happened to you, Kate?" said Artemis.
The longest silence of all. Artemis was just about to repeat the question when the tree replied.
"I think I've turned into a tree," it said.
"Yes," said Artemis. "You have."
"Thank God for that," said the tree. "I thought I was going mad." Then the tree seemed to reconsider this. "Actually," it said, "I think I would rather be mad." Then, with hope in its voice: "Are you sure I haven't gone mad?"
"I'm sure," said Artemis. "You're a tree. A eucalyptus. Subgenus of mallee. Variegated leaves."
"Oh," said the tree.
"Sorry," said Artemis.
"But with variegated leaves?"
"Yes," said Artemis. "Green and yellow."
The tree seemed pleased. "Oh well, there's that to be grateful for," it said.
"That's the spirit," Artemis reassured it.
"So," said the tree in a more conversational tone. "You're the goddess of hunting and chastity then?"
"Yes," said Artemis. "And of the moon, and several other things. Artemis." She put a little emphasis on her name. It still hurt when mortals didn't know it.
"I didn't know there was a goddess of hunting and chastity and the moon," confessed the tree. "I thought there was just the one God. Of everything. Or actually, to be honest, I thought there was no God at all. No offense."
"None taken," said Artemis. Unbelievers were always preferable to heretics.
"I have to say you don't look much like a goddess, though," added the tree.
"And what does a goddess look like, exactly?" said Artemis, a sharpness entering her voice.
"I don't know," said the tree, a little nervously. "Shouldn't you be wearing a toga or something? Or a laurel wreath?"
"You mean, not a tracksuit," said Artemis.
"Pretty much," admitted the tree.
"Times change," said Artemis. "Right now, you don't look like somebody who works in mergers and acquisitions for Goldman Sachs." Her voice indicated that the clothing conversation was closed.
"I still can't get over the fact that you're a goddess," said the tree after a pause. "Wow. Yesterday I wouldn't have believed it. Today ..." The tree gave an almost imperceptible shrug, rustling its leaves. Then it seemed to think for a bit. "So does that mean, if you're a goddess," it said, "that you can turn me back into a person?"
Artemis had been expecting this question.
"I'm sorry," she said, "but I can't."
"Why not?" said the tree.
The tree sounded so despondent that she couldn't bring herself to reply, as planned, Because I don't want to. "A god can't undo what another god has done," she found herself saying instead, much to her own surprise. She hated admitting any kind of weakness, especially to a mortal.
"You mean that guy was a god too? The one who ... did this. Well, I suppose it's obvious now. I kind of hoped he might be a hypnotist."
"No, he was a god," said Artemis.
"Um," said the tree. "Could you do something about that red setter? I don't really like the way it's sniffing around me." Artemis pulled the idiot dog away.
"Sorry," she said. "So what happened exactly?"
"I was just taking a walk yesterday and this guy came up to talk to me-"
"Tall?" said Artemis. "Blond? Almost impossibly handsome?"
"That's the one," said the tree.
"What did he say?" said Artemis.
The bark on the tree seemed to shift slightly, as if the tree were making a face.
"I, um ..."
"What did he say?" Artemis asked again, allowing a hint of command to enter her voice.
"He said, 'Hello. Do you want to give me a blow job?' "
A blow job. Why did people do these things to each other? Artemis felt faintly sick.
"I said no," continued the tree, "and then he said, 'Are you sure, because you look like you'd be good at it and I think you'd really enjoy it.'"
"I'm very sorry," said Artemis, "about my brother. If it were up to me he would not be allowed outside unsupervised."
"He's your brother?"
"My twin. It's ... unfortunate."
"Well, anyway, I just walked off, and he followed me, and I got a bit scared and I started running, and then the next thing I knew ... here I am."
Artemis shook her head. "This isn't the first time something like this has happened," she said. "Rest assured, we will be having words about it."
"And then he'll turn me back?"
"Absolutely," lied Artemis.
"No need to tell my family back home what happened, then," said the tree. "Good. Maybe I should call in sick at work though. I can't really go in like this. I had my phone with me; it should be around here somewhere. Could you dial my boss's number and hold the phone to my trunk?"
"Mortals aren't going to be able to understand you, I'm afraid," said Artemis. "Just gods. And other vegetation. I wouldn't bother talking to the grass, though. It isn't very bright."
"Oh," said the tree. "Okay." Artemis gave the tree time to absorb this information. "Why aren't I more upset about this?" it said eventually. "If you'd told me yesterday that I was going to be turned into a tree, I'm sure I'd have been really, really upset."
"You're a tree now, not a human mortal," explained Artemis. "You don't really have emotions anymore. I think you'll be much happier this way. And you'll live longer, unless it gets very windy."
"Except your brother's going to turn me back."
"Of course he is," said Artemis. "Right, then. I'd best be getting on. I've got to get these dogs back to ... my friends." "It was nice meeting you," said the tree.
"Likewise," said Artemis. "Bye, then. See you soon. Maybe."
The pleasant look on her face vaporized before her back was even fully turned. The dogs saw her expression and whimpered as one. But they had nothing to fear from Artemis. It was time to go home and find Apollo.
Found this lovely exchange on The Pig Site Discussion Forum. Enjoy!
"
#1 January 10th, 2011, 13:54 little-pig-farm Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: cambridgeshire Posts: 83
Free Pigs To Good Homes
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We have many pigs - rescued or unwanted looking for new homes - boars, gilts, sows, all mixed breeds - some big some small. Too many to list so please dont ask. Looking for homes ASAP. We are in Cambridgeshire and if you have land, a trailer and a CPH number you can arrange to visit and rehome some. Your help is greatly appreciated. please ring 07577598073
#2 January 12th, 2011, 13:17 Stevie G Super Moderator Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Eastern Australia Posts: 2,070
Free pigs. Lets hope this is genuine!!!!!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by little-pig-farm
We have many pigs - rescued or unwanted looking for new homes - boars, gilts, sows, all mixed breeds - some big some small. Too many to list so please dont ask. Looking for homes ASAP. We are in Cambridgeshire and if you have land, a trailer and a CPH number you can arrange to visit and rehome some. Your help is greatly appreciated. please ring 07577598073
This to me is a puzzling one and do not understand it as Jane Croft owns Little-Pig-farm and normally sells Micro pigs????? So can you please explain to me Jane why you have many a free pig. Is this to do with The British Pet Pig Society and that these pigs do not belong to you???
Guys you can obtain pigs for nothing in the Uk, so if this is a worthy cause check this out as originally the British Pet Pig Society where at the centre of rescuing neglected pet pigs, but I do not understand why Jane Croft from Little-Pig-Farm is involved???
Can you please explain to us Jane what is going on here???
If this is a worthy case then I am happy to back it, but can someone explain exactly as to what is going on as Janes past has not always been that perfect??????
#3 January 19th, 2011, 22:51 Annac Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 3
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Surely this does not have anything to do with BPPS - Matthew Firth strongly denied this on a thread in June 2010
Oh what did happen to the BPPS site - its no longer up and running???
Jane did you rescue all those pigs associated to the BPPS??
#4 February 22nd, 2011, 22:56 little-pig-farm Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: cambridgeshire Posts: 83
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In answer to your question, I have had many pigs returned that came from a certain breeder up north - not only ones that I sold but ones I took in as people couldnt cope with their size. Its my own fault - i took too many in and my weekly food bill became astronomical. I have been very sucessful in finding them homes - they have gone all over th ecoutry - I only have a few rescues left. Yes i sell Micro Pigs but these are ones that have grown bigger than anticipated - just for clarification - NOT all sold by me but from the same stock! Many thanks
#5 March 2nd, 2011, 03:36 Trotters Away Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Horsham, West Sussex Posts: 4
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Guess it's a case of reaping what you sow with the pigs being the real loosers
#6 March 2nd, 2011, 14:25 blonde Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Western Australia Posts: 2,715
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Quote:
Originally Posted by little-pig-farm
We have many pigs - rescued or unwanted looking for new homes - boars, gilts, sows, all mixed breeds - some big some small. Too many to list so please dont ask. Looking for homes ASAP. We are in Cambridgeshire and if you have land, a trailer and a CPH number you can arrange to visit and rehome some. Your help is greatly appreciated. please ring 07577598073
You cant justify giving pigs away, the feed bill is astronomical. If you could not look after them then may be you should not ahve taken them on, but to give them away to any body that walks in the door is also not a good option. You need to have people that care and are prepared to pay for them then they will look after them.
#7 March 10th, 2011, 23:34 lyn-agroservices.co.uk Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 4
More details pls
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Hello, I would not argue the question if to take/not take on pigs, as i know how awful amounts represent the feed bills. more i am interested about is individuals- looking for saddleback boar, rather large/long, with some experience. His job would be 2 rather macro saddleback sows. Photos welcome. Should you wish to discuss, 07708186461 or lyn-agroservices@hotmail.co.uk. Boar would have a cushy life with us, but need to be man enough to do a job, as both girls are rather dominant. Thank you
thank you Diana
#8 April 2nd, 2011, 10:01 kirsty89 Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 2
re: pigs
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i am very interested in getting 1 or 2 pigs for my mum, she has always wanted a pig. im not sure where to start but was reading above an sounds like u done a wonderful job. could u give me some info about them, an prices please, an your location
thank you
kirsty
#9 April 24th, 2011, 19:15 indierocker101 Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 1
My family and I are looking for a micro pig to join our family, we have been wanting a small pig that wont grow to big and will be a perfect pet.
Thank you
#10 April 25th, 2011, 13:12 Stevie G Super Moderator Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Eastern Australia Posts: 2,070
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Quote:
Originally Posted by indierocker101
Hello there,
My family and I are looking for a micro pig to join our family, we have been wanting a small pig that wont grow to big and will be a perfect pet.
Thank you
The best place to get Kunes or Mini pigs(pretty sure she sells them as well) is from Wendy Scudamore at Barton Hill farm and her no. is 01981240749. If you go any where else you will be wasting your money!
#11 May 17th, 2011, 11:49 martyall Junior Member Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by little-pig-farm
We have many pigs - rescued or unwanted looking for new homes - boars, gilts, sows, all mixed breeds - some big some small. Too many to list so please dont ask. Looking for homes ASAP. We are in Cambridgeshire and if you have land, a trailer and a CPH number you can arrange to visit and rehome some. Your help is greatly appreciated. please ring 07577598073
Homes For Sale In North Carolina Mountains
Nice one. I think that it is interesting to get some pigs. But, We are too far away in your area? What should I do?
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Last edited by martyall : July 7th, 2011 at 23:40.
#12 May 31st, 2011, 19:13 animal arks Junior Member Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 1
kune kune pigs
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We obviously resent the comment made that the only place to buy kune kune pigs is from Wendy.
We bought an excellant breeding trio from Wendy are you saying we shouldnt breed and sell the offspring.
It gets even more potty when Wendy is getting first pick of one of our gilts when they farrow next.
So perhaps Wendy isnt the only place to buy good Kune kunes
#13 October 10th, 2011, 12:41 paula659 Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 1
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A friend of mine have a 4yo a male desexed Mini Pig availalbe
Free to good generic cialis Home - children have lost interest.
very freindly Pig loves scratches and treats
Definatley not for eating - I have volunteered to do that already
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Last edited by paula659 : December 26th, 2011 at 06:18.
#14 October 10th, 2011, 13:45 Stevie G Super Moderator Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Eastern Australia Posts: 2,070
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paula659
A friend of mine have a 4yo a male desexed Mini Pig availalbe
Free to good Home - children have lost interest.
very freindly Pig loves scratches and treats
Definatley not for eating - I have volunteered to do that already
People need to know where you are????
#15 November 25th, 2011, 07:02 Katrin Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paula659
A friend of mine have a 4yo a male desexed Mini Pig availalbe
Free to good Home - children have lost interest.
very freindly Pig loves scratches and treats
Definatley not for eating - I have volunteered to do that already
I'm looking for a mini pig, but I live in Ukraine Is there any chance to get one??
